you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
