i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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