WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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