Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize