If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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