my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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