I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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