My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
