Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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