my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
