When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize