Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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