I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
