so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
