we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he fucked my hip out of place.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
