you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i've created a new STD.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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