I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
