I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Boobs are out for the taking
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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