My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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