my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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