Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
