So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
