Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
