Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
