girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
