You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
