Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
