Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
