How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just want nice things and good sex
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
