literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
