I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
