Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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