By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
