Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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