I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
