Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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