hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
