google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
