I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Randomize
