and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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