I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
