My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
