I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
