I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
50% drunk capacity currently
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
