Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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