the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
