Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
