I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
