I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize