from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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