At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
