Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
