Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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