last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
