if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
