Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just pee around me
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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